REMODEL - ADVENTURE IN MARRIAGE

Come join me and my husband, Rod, on our new adventure! We recently celebrated our 39th anniversary, but have never tackled a project as big as this one (not that we're doing the work ourselves!) We're just trying to stick with our usual work schedules and life while others come do all the actual work! The plan is for about half of our home to be remodeled, starting in two days. This place was built in 1987 and we've lived here 17 years. Nearly everything in the house is the original stuff, including the horrible wallpaper in the kitchen. I still can't believe that after all this time we are getting a whole new kitchen! Actually, with the wall being taken out between the kitchen and living room, it will look like a whole new house! We've been told it will take about two months for the project to be completed. During those two months we will be using our front bedroom as a kitchen/ living room (complete with the refrigerator!) I still don't know how long I will have to be without my washer and drier as they renovate my laundry area. I'm a bit nervous about that one...

Something tells me that God is going to use this experience to teach us a lot about one another, and maybe even about Him.

For example: for weeks we have had a plan to pack up everything in our kitchen, dining room and living room into boxes on Saturday and Sunday (today is Sunday). But, on Friday when I got home from work, Rod proudly showed me that he had already packed up everything off of the bookshelves in the living room. Instead of being thrilled, I was frustrated! First of all, I had planned on packing being a team event, where we talked along the way about which things to throw away, which things to give away, and which things to keep. Now I didn't even know what had been packed into boxes and it was too late to have input. Rod tends to work more independently, and just jumped right in. I felt guilty for not being more thrilled that he'd gotten a head start.

The other thing we have discovered in the last few days (not that it is news to us!) is that I am a planner. I want to sort and label specifically where we will put things once the new parts of the house are ready to go. Rod operates more from the idea that we should just pack things up in no particular order and decide later where we want things to go. So I'm trying to think ahead and put the pictures that I think I might want hung together in the same box, with the candles and the silk flowers that will go on that table near by. Guess you can imagine the conflicts as Rod stands there waiting for me to decide if I'll still want that picture in the living room or may want to move it to a bedroom, in which case it will go in a different box! Funny how we can both feel perfectly sure that our way of handling packing is the right way, and be on totally different wavelengths.

Lord, thank you for helping us find our rhythm as a team this afternoon and tonight. Packing took so much longer than we had expected! I know you want us to keep our eyes on You and seek our identity through You, not in the place we live. It's so confusing sometimes, Father, to figure out how to be a good steward of the resources you bring our way. We want to maintain the home you have given us for this season of our lives. Yet, we want to hold onto it loosely, as we know nothing in this world is forever. Show us Your perspective of this whole project, Lord, and keep us united in our decisions ahead.

Charlene

BEFORE PHOTOS

QUESTION FOR DISCUSSION:
Do the "Before" photos bring to mind any rough patches in your marriage? How did God help change that "Before" to "After" ??

I'd love to hear from you! Please click on the comments link to share your experiences.

Charlene

REMODEL ~ DAY 1

Today was major demolition day. Now I know why the people in charge of Extreme Home Makeover have the owners go away on a trip and watch the destruction of their home on a video monitor. That way no one from the family runs in front of the crane yelling, “I’ve changed my mind! Leave my poor, dilapidated home alone!” I’m remembering that one of the biggest differences between me and Rod relates to how much we like change.
I woke up this morning with a vague feeling of dread. I felt a bit like there was this helpless thing counting on me for protection, but instead I was giving the order to destroy it. It was sort of like I felt the morning I knew we had to take our 16-year-old dog, Ebony, to be put to sleep. I knew this was something we had to do. It was time. It was for the best. But yet, I grieved. (Yikes, I’m even more codependent and sentimental than I thought I was!) I admit it, I will even miss the corny wallpaper in the kitchen a tiny bit.
It’s hard to describe the whirlwind that hit us about 8:30 A.M. While four men ripped cabinets off the wall and carpet off the floor, another guy shouted questions about where to install speakers on the ceiling and what kind of remote control we want for our new t.v. (Oh, and I asked how long I have to be without my washer and drier and was thrilled to hear that there will just be about 5 days between the old machines getting unplugged and the new ones being installed.) Whew! And that won’t happen for a couple of weeks.
Here’s an analogy of what this morning felt like. It was like being in the classroom and your teacher hands you a page of easy math problems to do. You do problems like this all the time, no sweat. But just as you are ready to start, the teacher says that today while you work there will be a few other things going on. She tells you, “Pay no attention to that grizzly bear you see roaring and sniffing around. He’s harmless. And there is a rock band practicing in that corner over there. Just ignore it. Also, that clown juggling all those plates will be standing by you. Just stay focused on your work. He knows what he’s doing and even if he drops a plate and it smashes, it’s ok, he’ll clean it up.”
Lord, I felt so many earthly decisions and exciting happenings tugging on me today. It was all I could do to focus at work. Thank you for helping me find my center in You several times when I was tempted to let the overwhelmed feelings take over. This seems like a testing time for Rod and I to see if we can truly keep our eyes on You, even in the midst of all this tantalizing change taking place around us. Protect these great workers who are part of the team doing the project. May we be a blessing to them in some small way. And help us bless one another, even though we are both exhausted as we gaze at the bare bones that are all that remain of the heart of our home.

QUESTION FOR DISCUSSION:
Can you identify a time when you felt God was doing a remodel project in your marriage? I'd love to hear from you!

Please click on the comments link to share your experiences. Charlene

REMODEL ~ DAY 9

“Where do you plan to put the TV?”
Such an innocent question! But once they put the wires into the walls, it’s not an easy thing to change.

We were told by our decorator that most people now are putting their TV over the mantel. So, we compliantly taped up a square of cardboard the size of the TV we hope to be able to afford to buy soon. We tried hard to like our mythical TV over the fireplace. We really did. I especially tried to like it, even though it strained my neck to look up that high. Rod didn’t try quite as hard as I did. He said, “This makes my neck hurt. It’s just too high up. Plus, I hate it that when people come in our front door the main thing they will see is a TV set! “

Funny, once one person states a truth, it is easier for the spouse to admit that same truth out loud. I said something like, “Well, now that you mention it, my neck was hurting, too." And I don’t want to give up the location of that Bouguereau print of the little girl that we usually hang there.”

Then we looked around and found a corner we never would have thought about. We tried out the (mythical) TV there and it worked! Plus, we could see it from our (mythical) chairs that will sit up to our (mythical) countertop between the kitchen and the living room. (If it sounds like we are spending a lot of time in an imaginary world these days, that’s because we are!)

Now came the hard part, because I am such a people-pleaser at heart. (I know, I know. That is bad and we’re supposed to be a God-pleaser, not a people-pleaser. And I really am better at that than I’ve ever been in my life, but I still struggle with it sometimes.) So, I called the decorator and bravely said, “We’ve decided we don’t like the TV above the mantel. It’s just too high and we don’t want the TV to have that much focus. We DO like it in the corner. How do you feel about that?” Surprise, surprise! She said, “What a good idea! I think that will look great!” Whoo-ee!!! Our decorator thought we had a good idea! (Whew!)

What am I learning from experiences like this one?
1) Rod is quite good at being fully honest with himself about his likes and dislikes, no matter what anyone else thinks. Then he’s usually confident enough to express those opinions.

2) In many areas of life, I, too, find it quite easy to be honest and assertive. But in the area of home décor, I still have a hard time both KNOWING what I prefer and having the confidence to EXPRESS my opinion, especially to others who are “experts.”

3) Also, much as I hate to admit it, I think Rod has more intuitive good taste with home décor than I do. (Man, is it going to hurt my pride to let him read this.) 

QUESTION FOR DISCUSSION: In your marriage, who is more confident about making home décor decisions? What is a funny story about a decorating decision you made recently?

REMODEL ~ DAY 13

Tonight we were beginning dinner, sitting at our little table in our front bedroom/kitchen/living room, when I realized I forgot to put out the olives and salad dressing. Luckily, all I had to do was swivel to the left, open the fridge, grab the olives and ranch dressing, close the door and we were all set! Reminds us of Rod’s old single student dorm room back in… well, back in the day. 
To give you a picture of this new living space: the TV. is on top of the chest of drawers, three feet from the table. There is a recliner beside the fridge and right in front of the queen sized bed that always lives in this room. There is another bureau which now serves as home to a small microwave and the toaster. Oh, and there is a small bookshelf that used to live in the living room, but now it houses cereal, paper plates and forks, peanuts, cookies, crackers, baggies, soup, dried cherries, duct tape and ice cream cones. I can also see some paper towels, our Yahtzee game, and some Bisquick (which really seems funny to me because I can’t think of a thing I could make with Bisquick without an oven!).
Suddenly, today I realized that it isn’t only college students who live in cramped quarters like this. Many large families live in small apartments. Military personnel put up with horrible living conditions. And seniors in our society nearly all wind up in small living environments. Within the past three years Rod has lost both of his parents. His father died at age 94, his mother at 92. As they aged, Mary and Francis moved from a spacious, comfortable home to a two-bedroom apartment, then to a one-bedroom apartment. Each time they moved, they were required to downsize their personal possessions. It became clear in the process that their treasure was one other, not their things. Ironically, the few glass plates we are using these two months during our remodel are the very plates they used in their last apartment together. I feel such admiration as I consider their graciousness during those times they were forced to relinquish so much that they had worked so hard to acquire.
Lord, thank you for reminding me of the incredible blessing we are experiencing in this exciting time of our lives. Thank you for reminding me that it is all temporary, and that You will be sufficient for us, no matter where we eventually end up spending our time on this earth. What an amazing fact to know that you are preparing a true mansion for us in your eternal home. We love you, Lord.

REMODEL ~ DAY 21

Yesterday (Friday) I dropped by the house for a few minutes between appointments, opened the garage door, and found my (old) washer and dryer sitting there! All I could think was that my favorite white pants were part of the wet load in that washer and I was pretty sure there was also a load of dry clothes in the drier. I had to stop the crew before they carted off my clothes with the old appliances!
Turned out, Rod knew what was going on and no one was planning to haul off my clothes. The guys had to take the old machines out temporarily to do some work in the laundry area. The plan was to hook them up again this morning (Saturday) so we could use them over the weekend. Whew! (Memo to Rod, “Please remember to tell me every message that will ease my stress!”) So I shoved the wet clothes into a garbage bag, dumped the dry clothes on our bed and went on with my day.
Sure enough, this morning the guys came back, moved the machines back into the laundry area, and hooked them up. I stuffed the old mildewing wet load of clothes into the washing machine to rewash and headed out to the grocery store.
One hour later I found Rod sitting in a chair in our make-do kitchen/living room looking like something the cat drugged in. Turned out, the guys didn’t get the washer drain hose in quite far enough….and about 20 gallons of water poured all over the laundry area and into the garage! Since Rod is a “Can Do” kind of guy, he jumped into action. He raced next door, borrowed a wet/ dry vac, pulled out the machines, vacuumed up lots of water, mopped up the rest, reconnected the hose correctly, and was just sitting down to rest when I got home.
Well! Rod is a heart patient, and this is NOT what the doctor ordered! But I learned a long time ago that since he’s a “Can Do” kind of guy, it is truly impossible to keep him from tackling problems like this. Now, if it had happened when I was there alone, I would have called and texted our contractor immediately. Something like, “Help! Get someone out here pronto! There’s water all over the place!” Guess that means I’m a “Can’t Do, Come Help!” kind of gal.
Come to think of it, I love being married to a “Can Do” guy! I’m sure proud of him! Isn’t it neat that he knew just what to do and took the initiative to fix things? What a guy. I think I’ll keep him around another thirty nine years or so.
And maybe I need to get more of that “Can Do” attitude myself.

QUESTION FOR DISCUSSION: Can you relate to the “Can Do” and “Can’t Do, Come Help” concept? Which type are you? How does your tendency impact your spiritual life?

REMODEL ~ DAY 30

Early A.M. Stressors or “10 Big Decisions Before I Even Woke Up”
Rod and I have opposite internal clocks. That’s why, years ago (due to several fiascos) we established a rule. I never ask Rod to decide anything after 9 PM and he never asks me to ponder anything of substance before 9 A.M. That’s why I was nervous today when Rod kissed me awake/goodbye at 7:20 A.M. on his way to an early meeting. I just had a feeling there might be things to decide before I went to work.
Two months ago, my A.M. schedule looked something like this: wake up, lie there 10 minutes, make the bed, heat up tea water, sit out on back patio reading Bible/drinking tea/ connecting with God. Then I would do my best to keep up with a “stretching” dvd for about 10 minutes before eating, showering and dressing. Things have been a tad different for the past 30 days!
This morning, about 10 minutes after Rod left, I was still lying in bed when I heard “the guys” start to arrive. It’s a bit disconcerting to hear drilling, hammering, laughing and music in a foreign language just a few feet from one’s bedroom door while one is making one’s bed in one’s underwear! Yes, these guys are all gentlemen and hard workers, but still…. (And yes, I know I could go to bed and get up an hour earlier, but I am a night owl!)
So, I got fully dressed, combed the hair, opened the bedroom door, and started across the “work zone” toward the “kitchen/living room/bedroom” where we keep the microwave. My goal: pretend I am invisible and walk directly toward my A.M. caffeine fix. As I walked through the doorway I heard a discussion in process (two feet in front of me) about how high to make the stand for the new washer and drier. How, I ask you, could I pass up an opportunity to have input into that decision? Then came more questions….and more questions…you get the idea. Forty-five minutes later I arrived in the sanctuary of the “kitchen/living room/bedroom” and popped my Styrofoam cup of tea water into the mini-microwave. Then I just sat, quivering, in a chair while the tea brewed. My thoughts brewed right along with the tea. After all, why couldn’t Rod have been here to help decide these things? He knows I hate early A.M. decisions! Dad gum it- he should have been here!
The next thing I knew, I was texting him. Then there was a flurry of texts which did not reflect my normal cheerful, diplomatic self. Then there were tears (mine.) And understanding comments (his.) I feel so ashamed now that I over-reacted. Three things helped me get my feet on solid ground again: 1) Rod forgave me quickly, and I forgave him for not being there when I thought he should have been. 2) My best friend called right in the middle of my tears and said a prayer for me which really helped give perspective. 3) God entered my thoughts and gave me a huge sense of gratitude for my husband and this amazing opportunity to practically create a new home.
Lord, the most humbling moment of the whole day happened in our Kingdom People class. We were asked who we know who most exemplifies a committed Christian life. And my sweet husband told his small group that his wife is one of the Kingdom People he most respects. What a wonderful “Kingdom Man” you have given me, Father. Thank you so much.

REMODEL ~ DAY 40

Who knew? I was eating my cereal, sitting at the new counter, when a “beep-beep” interrupted my reading. Mildly surprised, I kept on reading. “Beep-beep.” Five seconds later, “beep-beep.” Curiously, I walked to “new appliance corner” and pushed every “stop” button I could see on the microwave, oven and stove top. There.

“Beep-beep.” Hm-m-m-m-m. I edged up to the refrigerator just as the next “beep-beep” occurred. Who knew?! My new refrigerator talks to me! It was telling me that I left the door a bit ajar. Amazing, this new technology! (Yes, I know I sound like a 90-year-old grandmother, but it really did surprise me.)

It’s beautiful in this new kitchen area, and it is actually beginning to feel like it fits us. True, I can’t see ever putting family pictures on the front of this talking fridge. Wonder where I will put them? I will miss seeing those reminders of loved ones each time I open that door.

It’s confusing to have one foot in the makeshift “bedroom/kitchen/living room” and one foot in the new areas. I still occasionally find myself opening the old, unplugged fridge when I am seeking milk. I also keep forgetting that the bread and nuts now live in a drawer in the new kitchen, not in the bureau where they have been the past 40 days.

Since Rod embraces change more quickly than I, it is no surprise that he’s loving each step of the journey. I’m the one who is stressing out about, “Shall we wait and move everything to the new area at once, or do it piecemeal?” He’s just quietly doing it. He brings out a plant here, a rug there. And each homey piece he adds quiets my anxiety a bit more. We feel so blessed.

Lord, be with those who are struggling to find mortgage or rent money. We know how that feels. Help us be like Paul and know how to be content with whatever we have. We trust you to give daily bread to each of your children and help job-seekers find employment. Amen.

REMODEL ~ DAY 54

Today Rod and I had a collision of needs. I am really feeling a need to finish this project up. Now. Rod has an ongoing need to be thinking of the next project down the road, and the one after that. So he spent time today spray painting orange on the grass in the backyard where he wants to put a flower bed in the spring. (I am not making this up.)

In search of being DONE, here are some samples of what I’ve said to Rod in the last few days:

“Honey, the old refrigerator is still in the front bedroom. Who did you say is coming by to get it?”

“There’s that tiny place on the floor that I know they still plan to fix. Should we go ahead and move the piano there anyway? I sure miss playing the piano.”

“We still need the shelves for the cabinet in the laundry room. Are you checking on that?

“Oh, and don’t forget to make that call about the refrigerator.”

“Who’s going to paint around the new windows in the bathrooms?”

“Did you tell them about the problem with the light fixture in the kitchen?”

“THE REFRIGERATOR IS STILL IN THE FRONT BEDROOM!!!!!!”

Note: all of the above were said with sweet, honeyed tones conveying my utmost respect for my sweet husband. OK, I lied. About one half of the above were said with sweet tones. The last one was probably either shouted or else growled through clenched jaws.

Ah, the feeling of being DONE. Putting the last book on the bookshelf. Wiping down the new granite knowing there won’t be any more sawdust or drywall particles floating through the air. I can’t wait.

Lord, give me patience. Help me keep an attitude of thankfulness. What an amazing experience. Thank you, Father.

REMODEL ~ DAY 62

Cinderella.
That’s who I was tonight.
The “royal ball” was a simple party for a few friends and neighbors.
My “fairy godmothers” were all those who made this sketchy dream a detailed reality.

PRESTO! Out with dated wallpaper and dirty carpet- in with soothing, new walls and tile!
Zap! Out with worn appliances- in with shiny replacements!
Bippity Boppity! Out with blonde cabinets- in with cherry wood and “no slam” doors!

Rod and I feast our eyes on every detail, and celebrate this victory of teamwork. Not only did we learn to work together, but so did all those who contributed along the way, including (but not limited to):
• Jeff Pense and team from 180 Degree Kitchen and Bath Design Group LLC (including Bob, Brian, Daniel, Eddie, Jose, etc.)
• Margo Hanne from Finishes of Distinction (did amazing faux treatment in entry hall and special finish on hood in kitchen)
• Jamie Lyn Byerlee (home decorator)
THANKS EVERYONE!

Lord, we know this isn’t about bricks and mortar. What you care about are people, and that’s what we want to prioritize, too. We offer ourselves as comforters and friends to those we love now and those we will know in the future. Let our home be a sanctuary where people can come listen to our pond’s waterfall, take in the beauty of “Grace Garden” or relax in our new spacious living area. Continue to show us how to minister as a couple. Thank you, Father. Amen.

COUPLE TO COUPLE & 30 DAY CHALLENGE

Research has shown that effective marriage preparation results in greater satisfaction in marriage and better ability to handle stress and differences in constructive ways. Asbury’s Couple-to-Couple ministry provides an opportunity to discuss topics that will help build a strong marriage, such as: expectations, goals, finances, in-laws, roles and responsibilities, communication, and conflict resolution. Each engaged couple planning to be married at Asbury meets with a Support Couple several times before the wedding. When plans are confirmed and a date for the wedding is set, the couple is assigned a trained Support Couple. Also, those who are married by an Asbury pastor are invited to participate in Couple-to-Couple, regardless of where their ceremony is held.
Most meetings occur in the married couple’s home and last around 1-1/2 hours. Support Couples are caring Christians with Christ-centered marriages, who are taught to be facilitators, not counselors. All discussions are kept confidential, and referrals are made to Christian marriage therapists when appropriate.
After taking a version of PREPARE, a relationship inventory, the Support Couple and the engaged couple discuss the results, identifying both strength and growth areas. In addition, engaged couples do homework in a workbook entitled Preparing For A Marriage That Lasts A Lifetime. Sometimes the church offers other alternative growth options for engaged couples.
After the wedding, Support Couples offer the option of meeting three times during the first year to discuss common issues of early marriage.

30 DAY CHALLENGE FOR WIVES
OK ladies! Often I hear lots of griping about how husbands aren’t leaders enough, don’t do dishes enough, don’t tuck kids into bed enough, blah, blah, blah. Here is something you can do that I pretty much guarantee will make your husband a better man! I encourage you to take this challenge to encourage your husband daily for a month. Heck, don’t tell him about it. Just see if you notice a difference in 30 days. I suspect you will.
Charlene
(to view the 30 DAY CHALLENGE, click on the link on the right)